In this realm. Motherhood is not something I ever wanted, yet it is something I fully chose during my own Saturn Return. Thus, in this new reality, I'm trying on ways of being. Sometimes they are awkward and clunky and others they just fit right. But this is the path to self-knowing, and I walk it with gratitude.
I think chaos comes in the distance between knowing your values and still discovering them. It's a process in choices and discernment. It is something that is refined by putting yourself in play over and over again. Like water, it changes form with environmental pressures yet is elementally stable in its make up. Chaos exists for me now in the moments between "the good mother" and "the one who belongs to herself." I'm still sorting out my values in this realm. Motherhood is not something I ever wanted, yet it is something I fully chose during my own Saturn Return. Thus, in this new reality, I'm trying on ways of being. Sometimes they are awkward and clunky and others they just fit right. But this is the path to self-knowing, and I walk it with gratitude.
On the more clunky days I make it a priority to go to a place with a long view. And I don't mean this metaphorically. I literally need to see into forever. A hike into the canyon lands of the desert, a river scape that looks toward the mountains, an ocean that feels never ending. I'm not sure why this is important for me. It might have something to do with some high physical sensitivity and big feelings reverberating off of everything and coming back into my field overwhelming me. It might just have to do with a proclivity for nearsightedness. In any case, the farther and bigger I can see into the expansiveness of nature, the more spacious I can feel in my day to day.
On the more fiery days, calm is the dance party. When emotions are high and to-do's are overwhelming, I have to throw it all into motion. Movement brings my body in alignment with truth that can't be spoken or written. It gives my head a rest and puts my heart in charge. It changes the way air is moving around our home and saves us all from drowning in the heat.
On the more cloudy days, it's a cup of tea and my favorite blanket wrapped around my shoulders. In the circles I dance in clarity is often called authenticity, integrity, and a myriad of other fun new-agey terms. I call it wholeness. Whatever words you use, it's not really heady. It's soul led. Something you feel. Something in the body. For me, it's the thing I fight for every day. Not a yearning or a striving, but a choice to battle fiercely for that which emotes my physicality into beingness that is driven by my soul not my ego, my head, or even my heart.
I'm so lucky to have been sheparded by so many wonderful people in my life. It's hard to say who has brought me home. I feel like so many lanterns have been held for me on the path. At this particular time in my life, these are the folks whose message I am deeply feeling into. Joanna Powell Colbert. A real life goddess. She leads with the heart of the Blessed Mother and the fire of Brigid. She has awakened the knowing of the feminine divine with me with her embodied life. As an elder and a leader she has shown me the struggles and rewards of being refreshingly transparent, true, and honest. Terry Tempest Williams. A truth-teller and activist for the wild. She reminds me of what my heart beats to, where my voice is most powerful, and how to listen. Sheila Belanger and Anne Hayden. Guides on the journey to soul. They offer wordlessness, spaciousness, and invitation to that which is not named but felt. They too are fiercely transparent truth tellers.
I practice noticing. Every day I walk on the land to hear who has a story to tell. My senses guide the conversation and I find a shared language with the plants. On the more spacious days, I bring my loupe and my phone. I take photos of what I see and jot down what I notice in a text message to myself. On the more chaotic days, I just walk outside and breathe with the trees. Noticing the distinct cadence in every fluttering leaf.
Oh the makings of an herb farmer in summer! There is so much stewing and stirring and crafting going on around here. But it is the words and stories I most love. While herbs hang from the rafters and potions cover the counter tops, a Plant Spirit Stories oracle deck and book is brewing nearby.
Latisha Guthrie is a folk herbalist and creator of HerbCamp, an herbal based rewilding nature camp for adults. As Herbmother, she has taught folk herbalism both online and in-person for ten years. She took a break from teaching to move her family to a small property in the PNW where they are now building an enchanted food forest and herb'n learning sanctuary. She is homeschooling her two daughters and shares herbcraft as a pathway on the journey of the soul with her local community.